Myself & Ball: Prick Tease Ball

I wrote these many years ago but I felt they deserved to be put back on the internet – not that they are necessarily a masterpiece – but could be funny for a few people.  Three short short stories called ‘Myself and Ball’. It is all very very silly. In the first Ball goes to a gay club, things happen.

Prick Tease Ball

I write this in the knowledge that we had the most fabulous Tuesday on record.  Ball now calls it ‘Gay Tuesday’.  Yet, it started like any other, we had a slight hangover from a Monday night partying at Time & Envy.  I doubt we’ll ever call it Lava & Ignite because that’s scene and it’s a crap name.  That night had been eventful, against his better judgement, Ball went out before me so by the time I met up with him he was very drunk.  As I wandered up to the bar in T & E I was suddenly grabbed around the neck and bombarded with a tirade of Arsenal chants and saliva as Ball welcomed me to the club.  Unfortunately it went downhill for Ball from there.  About half way through I Predict A Riot by the Kaiser Chiefs Ball started arguing with a close acquaintance of ours, I left him to it.  For a reason even I cannot explain Ball tried to get his point across by turning his bottle of Rolling Rock upside down and swinging his arms around like an crazed chimpanzee.  The bottle of Rolling Rock was largely full resulting in a number of friends and strangers were soaked in the weak beer, including myself.  I was not best pleased, I told a friend this.  This friend then preceded to tell Ball that I was not impressed with his antics, that nobody was.  Ball responded by jokingly picking up an ashtray and faking a throw, I knew this would lead to trouble.  Just over a minute later a couple of bouncers charged towards the bar like a WWE tag team on their way to the ring with their eyes firmly locked on Ball.  Ball was escorted to a little room to be beaten, bummed or both.  I thought that would be the end of his night but to the surprise of everyone it wasn’t and he returned with a large grin on his face.  However, it wouldn’t be long before his night ended, I saw a friend joking with him, he told him to “Calm down, Ball” and tickled his chin.  One thing I know is that Ball doesn’t like his chin being tickled, his fresh bottle of Rolling Rock was slammed down on a table and Ball was gone.  After that the evening went swimmingly.

The next time I saw Ball was around midday on the Tuesday, he was more jovial than I expected.  After we discussed the events of the night, I learned he also dropped a whole burger and chips on his way home.  After our confab we decided we’d go to town.  We didn’t quite make it all the way, the siren-link call of the pub was too great.  At 3:30pm; we thought maybe a couple of pints then go home for some tea.  5:30 came and we thought lets stay out for a little longer, we have nothing that fun to do.  An quick stop at the ATM was required and we ordered tea at the pub.  After contemplating our return home on a number of occasions we decided against it and were soon to be joined by more acquaintances for further drinking.  Time flew by and we soon realised it was half ten.  We carried on drinking.

By 12:30 it was kicking out time, Ball was not best pleased, he wanted to continue our drinking marathon, so did I in fact.  ”Get this scene dick away from me!” Ball shouted at the barman who was only trying to do his job, get the pub empty, close up and go home.  Probably for a mug of cocoa and a blow job.  Ball relented without much fuss and swaggered out the door, thinking he was Liam Gallagher, he was in fact more like golf legend and father of Kirsty, Bernard. n “What are we doing now?” Ball slurred at me.  I was clueless, then one of our drinking buddies suggested we go to the gay bar, The Jolly Anchor.  Immediately I looked at Ball expecting a harsh reaction this suggestion, I was shocked when from his mouth came the words “Yeaaaah, lets go drink with some poofs.”  So off we went.

It was Ball’s round when we got to the pub, he wasted no time in going to the bar when he saw they served Carling Extra Cold.  What I then witnessed shocked, scared and stunned me.  As Ball innocently ordered the drinks a gentlemen who was a dead ringer for Elvis Costello sidled up to Ball.  I watched them happily converse for a moment when all of a sudden to my disbelief and especially Ball’s ‘Elvis’ leaned in for a kiss.  Ball withdrew immediately. “What the fuck you doing?” he exclaimed, I didn’t hear the other guy’s reply.  I quickly walked over and grabbed Ball and the Carling Extra Colds and we found a quiet spot to avoid any possible trouble.

The night went on well after that, we joked, drank and watched people doing karaoke.  It even reached a point where we wanted to sing Wild Boys by Duran Duran, sadly we weren’t allowed, maybe another time.  After a few pints I needed to use the toilet, so I left Ball, this was quite a mistake.  Whilst I was urinating the gay Elvis Costello decided to try his luck with Ball again.  As I left the toilet I saw them together, it looked like a typical Ball confrontation.  Ball pushed away Elvis’ arm as it reached to stroke Ball’s chest.  ”Get this poof away from me!” he shouted, this drew the attention of some of the other people in the pub.  ”Don’t be homophobic” replied Elvis very irately, Ball just laughed and told him to go away pushing him gently in the shoulder.  The reaction that followed was astonishing as the gay Costello pulled of his white t-shirt, threw it to the ground and squared up to Ball.  Ball looked round to me but there was nothing I could say or do.  Ball was pushed and stumble spilling some of his pint.  ”Hey, break it up!” shouted the lady behind the bar.  Both Ball and Elvis ignored this, leaning on a table Ball grabbed an ashtray and threatened the man with it, I raced over to stop him.  After two fake throws I thought Ball must be joking, and he was.  However, as I grabbed Ball to drag him out.  I managed to get him a few feet away as Elvis shouted “Yeah, get that prick tease out of here!”  This angered Ball further still, he wrestled free of my grip and took off his coat and own shirt.  As I watched from the floor, the bare chested Ball hurled the glass ashtray at the gay Elvis, he ducked and it flew into the wall smashing everywhere.  By this point the whole pub was aware of the fight.  Sensing the danger of Ball potentially getting beaten up by a club full of gay people, I grabbed an ashtray and clocked Ball round the back of the head.  He looked dazed, I stood behind him and he fell into my arms and I pulled him away and out of the pub to safety like Arnie protecting Sarah Connor.  Luckily nobody followed.

A week later now and I can thankfully say we are not returning to the gay bar tonight, however Ball persists in telling everybody we see that he is now “Northampton’s number one gay icon”.  He plans to return soon and I’ll probably have to go as well.

Come back next Tuesday for another one unless you thought that was shite.