If you can buy it, you can World Cup it. Slapping on an England automatically makes your product the product of REAL fans. Whether it's John Barnes flogging Mars Bars, and eating them judging by the belly on him. The worst of all has to be the Carlsberg advert, the Danish lager company, ramming home their product with an explosion of English. Surely I can't be alone in thinking that the 'Do it for Bobby' bit is just a little tasteless? I cant wait for the World Cup Branded bog brushes; "clean your bowl like pro" appearing on the screen as Joe Cole nips into a cubicle clutching a plastic brush with a red flag emblazoned upon it, holding his nose, just after Emile Heskey walks out holding a copy of Nuts and wafting the air in front of him.

Endless talk of all those heroic fans travelling to South Africa has been constant in the last few weeks. Flight prices, telephone and data usage charges have all been prevalent. Last night there was a news report warning England fans to stay away from the South Africa prostitutes for fear of coming back with aids or being smacked down by the South African police. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before we get the standard "South Africa prepares for rowdy England fans who like nothing more than drinking and destruction" special on The One Show, followed by Bleakley introducing a piece about hamsters addicted to crack. Lastly, having been reliably informed by a Bafana Bafana supporting colleague that temperatures where the majority of the England fans will be based will be a steady 30-35 degrees, an English fans penchant for drinking seas of lager in blazing sunshine without the safety net of factor 50, you have a delicious recipe for flambé Anglais. Pack you sunscream lads, that's if you're going of course... hi Theo.

First it was Beckham's achilles, then our glorious captain Rio and his dodgy knees (made more dodgy by Emile Heskey sitting on them). Let's not forget Drogba's funny bone causing worry for the Ivorians. Next up: SWP loses a bollock celebrating too vigourously in training after skinning Stephen Warnock. With no football between the end of the domestic seasons and the beginning of a World Cup there's little transfer action, so in between treating the release of Juliano Belletti by Chelsea as important as the Queen releasing a fart atop David Cameron's head, the media has to make do with reporting anything. Injuries are perfect. They cover all the bases; heartbreak, disaster, speculation, fear, sciene and hope - like let's hope we don't end up with old man Carragher in the starting XI. It is the must have for the tournament, it seems the teams have been rigging their biggest stars to suffer injuries at the most inopportune moment to be part of the scene!

As everyone knows from playing with those cheap plastic floataway balls you get from corner shops for £1 they move like bird on ecstacy. They're sound like you're kicking a lilo and are impossible to hit in a straight line. So why the hoo-ha over an adult version of that ball? Surely all the pros played with these when they were kids. It was obviously gonna happen and the furore that has gone with it is now reaching epic levels of scene.

Will 2010 be the year to end the 44 years of hurt. No I wont. However we will again hear all about it from the media, the ex-players, the current players, the pundits and most irritatingly the fans. The worst fans of all to go on about 1966 are the ones that weren't even born within two decades of the 1966 World Cup win, yet they still bleat on about it as if it happened yesterday and they were there and touched Bobby Moore then bought Geoff Hurst a pint before they went back to his house and copped off with a couple of twins. As someone who prefers club football I hope England win just to give people something else to go on about. Stop it. Get over it. Move on.

This is truly inevitable. We all know them; your Mum, a bloke in the office, the weirdo in the pub, your mad Uncle Jeff who didn’t even realise football existed until a World Cup wallchart fell out of the Daily Star. From the start of the World Cup they will magically transform into opinion spouting cabbages. These opinions will be rubbish, they will make little sense and they will become even more ridiculous the longer England stay in the tournament. However you'll still find yourself agreeing with them that Fabio should play Crouch and Heskey and let Rooney drift in the hole whilst Ledley cleans up in front of the back 7, just to get away from them.

This follows on naturally as the antithesis of the boffins; the haters. It has already begun some people will go to endless levels to avoid watching the World Cup AND they want to voice their displeasure. Look, the World Cup has probably been around longer than you, it happens every four years you should learn to live with it. If you can't live with it then watch something else, there are hundreds of other channels. Surely you can live without the cooking programmes and useless dramas for a few weeks. If all else fails you can watch the last series of Big Brother, someone has to.

If Gok Wan could pick a look for this summer, it would be shorts (preferably 3/4 length) with an England shirt. FASHION. Seriously, if the sun is out and you're wandering through town on the way to the pub to watch a game count how many people are sporting the 3/4 shorts and England shirt combo, you'll get bored once you reach 20.

These things are so SCENE, they're not just restricted to cars either. I've seen people gaffa tape them to sheds, fences and doors. What happened to just buying a normal flag? As a walk through the car park to and from work and see vehicles sporting these monstrosities I have to do all I can to resist ripping them off and burning them.

Does this even need explanation? England raise the nations hopes before crashing out on the lottery of penalties and the player who misses becomes a national pariah.

So this phone comes out and it keeps trending on Twitter, I buy one and then it becomes scene. Endless adverts on TV with some sort of soft porn taxi cab scenario. However, I haven't actually seen or met anyone with this phone so perhaps the only really scene thing about it is the advertising idea that everyone has one and everyone wants one.

Have you heard, we had an election recently. No? Well why not, and lucky you, because political correspondents of shapes and sizes have been everywhere for the past few weeks. David Dimbleby must have had Pro Plus pumped intraveneuosly into his body during the weekend of coalition discussions, Laura Kuenssberg seems to be permanently camped in Whitehall like some kind of tramp and Adam Boulton had a Bill O'Reilly stlye nervous breakdown live on TV. Worst of all is Mr Garrison lookalike Nick Robinson he talks endless bollocks and seems to either not understand politics or just generally likes stirring the public up like the Daily Mail with some of the garbage he spouts. He sounds like one of those frustrating people on Question Time who don't understand the parliamentary system.

People like going to the gym and like telling you about it. Why? Is it some sort of insult to you and your lazy self that doesn't go the gym? Are they fishing for compliments? "I've been the gym." "Oh I can tell, you look as good as Mr Motivator". Or are they boasting about how much money they have to waste? Whatever reason I wish they'd shut up about it. Just because I don't go the gym doesn't mean I don't exercise, I could do more, I'd like to do more, but I'm not going to pay for the privilege.

The world is going bat-shit crazy over what appears to me to be an oversized smart phone and an undersized laptop. Most of all it looks like one of those digital photo frames, oh but you can surf the web. I'm hoping they invent the IBed next, a King Size flat screen that you can roll around on, Tweet using your ankle, Facebook with your shoulders and Skype with your arse.

I know it is late but the French have surpassed themselves in sneakiness. The 'Alien-Headed One' managed to molest a ball twice, yes twice and then bundle the ball across the 6 yard box to 'The Miserable Average One' to score in late, late extra time. One example, but more have come to light recently too! Andre Agassi smoked Meth whilst still on the ATP tour and that South Africa fella won the ladies 800-meter gold at the World Championships. However I would like to see this trend continue in other sports. Snooker would be hilarious; when players start taking turns to try and slyly drop balls into pockets without anyone seeing as they mince around the table. Or darts; where those fats cunts would try and sneak ever closer to the board until their chins are touching the bull and they are just placing the darts in the board.

This really confuses me more than anything else, however confusion still leads to scene. Although I would love to know what Fearne Cotton happens to be doing at 3a.m., in bed, in just her underwear, with just her hands for company... she would never REALLY let me know what shes up to. That would be too creepy for her. The same goes for following football players tweettering themselves crazy before kick-off because they got dropped (because theyre shite). That is what the match day programme is for surely? I know a few people that read this list do in fact follow people that wouldn't talk to them in real life, I hope this doesn't upset you: YOU ARE SCENE.

Like Cheryl Cole but covered in lumpy marsupial shit. This woman is like Starbucks... FUCKING EVERYWHERE! She is hideous and everyone that reads those bastard mags like MORE! (you know who you are) perpetuate this myth that she is a human with normal human frailties. This she is not. She is a B-Movie monster with implants and as of now scene.

They seem to be everywhere right now, the docu-mocku-found-footage style film oft' used for horror and sci-fi flicks when there is no budget or no interest from someone to fund it. All started with Blair Witch (surely? - more likely Cannibal Holocaust in 1980) others include Cloverfield and most recently Paranormal Activity. This doesn't even annoy me, it just came to me that there are an awful lot of these style films. Maybe scraping the barrel for ideas and twists? Maybe not.

C'mon this debate has been dragging on for months (in my head). He has gotta be gay, to be working with Holly Willa-booby and not get caught looking at those beauts is a sure sign! Take The Cube as well, surely a Silver Fox idea dreamt up after a BDSM escapade somewhere in Hampstead Heath! "Can you cottage in The Cube?!" asks the big butch voice of The Cube whilst The Body is all gimped up inside. It could be that this debate exists solely in my mind and that I have dreamt up this confusion. Perhaps it is caused by some subconscious desire to canoodle with the Silver Fox and let him wear me like Gordon the Gopher. But the veil of heterosexuality is slipping and one day the News Of The World will have a cover story of how The Silver Fox has been found being savaged by a contraption built by The Cube designers in an undercover investigation. (Hopefully The Silver Fox can take a joke and will not desire to sue over such suggestions like certain Level 7 Operating Thetans when someone questions their sexual desires)

A license should have to be obtained in order to use these major pieces of technology. When using, these people seem to lose all sense of personal space and general intelligence. You have a massive object above your head defending you from that dangerous substance known as water and that is also dangerous to other's sight. I swear to Fonz that these cunts intentionally go out of their way to make everyone else that doesn't own this scene technology FUCKING DIFFICULT. Then they have the cheek to look at you like you owe them the space they have taken up using that massive GOLF umbrella waiting for the bus. WRONG ANSWER. This is my space. STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE.

A picture speaks a thousand words.

More importantly 'Apps' for the bastard machine thing, iPhone. "Do you need to split a bill between three people for a meal? Theres an App for that." IT'S CALLED A CALCULATOR! Every App I have ever seen used (ALWAYS IN FUCKING PUBLIC) is shite. A mate has an App for making things level, as in a spirit level. Yes for people that put up a lot of shelves etc, and have an iPhone it's fantastic. The fact that this App couldn't tell the difference between level and a ski jump ramp, but entirely useful? NO, just scene.

I'm bored of this biblical level of flooding or more specifically the reporting of it. Yes bridges fell down and people will have to clean their carpets for the first time in 8 years but can it not take up half of the six o'clock news? I'm half-expecting Noah to come sailing into Cockermouth. The people of Cumbria I apologise, but if you will live on a flood plain you are SCENE (for the time being, until your socks have dried).

SERIOUSLY SCENE SERIOUSLY ANNOYING. The whole bullshit of Team Jacob vs Team Edward. I've heard that certain female cinemagoers have witessed women actually gasp when some douche rips off his top in the new film. This however is not the cause of motherfuckingtwightvampires entry onto the scene list. It IS the fucking non-stop bullshit on the radio, TV and t'internet. EVEN FROM PEOPLE I USUALLY LIKE! Anyone who watches True Blood will know that necro-abstinence is not essential. It's completely infuriating and more importantly scene.

This encroaches dangerously on another scene topic, but hey it is big enough to look past that. I WOULD FUCK YOU BOTH IN A HEARTBEAT but I don't care who wears Jimmy Choo's shoes or Calvin Klein's minds (awesome lyrics). this is being made scene by the OK/Closer crowd. Please die......

Yes she is dull, I know it, but everyone rates her highly. Not even a smack in the chops lived her up!

Sure it is very entertaining laughing at those spack kids from Ireland but for fucks sake no-one gives a Jews aunt about who goes through.

Yes we normally take cards for payment, but THE FUCKING THING IS BROKEN! We have seven signs on the bar. TWO OF WHICH YOU HAVE BEEN LEANING ON! I swear to Allah, Jew God and maybe Jesus, this is goin' to give me a brain tumour if people don't unfuck themselves before asking if "they can pay by card"