31
The Expendables
This should have been for action movies what Scream was for horror movies. Sadly Sly Stallone either doesn’t understand irony or can’t poke fun at himself. Considering this was basically his baby he’s gotta take the blame for the faults; lack of fun, plot and coherence being the main things.
I had such high expectations but even Jason Stafam, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews and Eric Roberts couldn’t make up for it being somewhat of a let down. There wasn’t enough for Jet Li to do and there was far too much ‘banter’ between Stafam and Stallone, which was fine apart from Stallone not being funny (see Stop or My Mom Will Shoot). Mickey Rourke’s character was fucking stupid as well, providing the emotional heart and expositionary backstory to give The Expendables a reason to kick ass. The film REALLY didn’t need it. I enjoyed the cameos from Bruce Willis and Arnold who I really wish wasn’t hamstrung by his responsibilities as a Governor and could unleash his old self and shoot some people. They were both delightfully hamming it up, something the film needed more of.
Kind of reminded me of Inglourious Basterds where The Basterds are meant to the be central figures yet all the supporting characters are far more interesting, in this case Sly was The Basterds and everyone else was Hans Landa (although only Dolph Lundgren came close to being as much fun as Christoph Waltz).
Looks like they’ll be a sequel, keep the explosions, keep the action, get in someone for Jet Li to have a full on scrap with rather than just a little whippet vs. a big lug and please please please lighten up Sly.
31
Good cop and bad cop have left for the day.
Three things I’ve had occupying me, hence very little on here. Working, writing and watching The Shield.
The Shield is utterly magnificent certainly in the same league as The Wire, The Sopranos, Battlestar Galactica and Deadwood. I’ve probably left something out, oh yeah Mad Men. I only have 3 season of The Shield left, been completely cramming it in. Going to be lost without it hopefully they’ll be plenty of other things coming back soon – Caprica, Castle, Mad Men, True Blood and Modern family spring to mind – to keep me occupied.
Work has drained me. It gets even more intense this week, stress. Exciting though. Four day weekend for bank holiday – in which I’d usually be spent drunk in Reading – has proved not restful enough. Think I’m gonna have to get me some more down time soon.
13
TV and Film Jawn
Reviewing things like off of the telly and from the pictures. That is what I’ll do. First films and as brief as I can be.
Inception
Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Tom Hardy is great.
Entertaining. Brutal. Great Music. Tom Hardy is great.
Pleasant. Good to look at.
Fun. Great puppets. Not The Princess Bride.
Shite. Stupid. Annoying.
Compelling. Max Von Sydow.
Enjoyable. Leonardo & Max Von Sydow. Miles better than The Departed.
Not bad. Tim Olyphant = Good.
Using a few more words I’ve also watched a few good TV shows lately. Rev on BBC 2 is one of the funniest shows of the years so far, Tom Hollander is great as Reverand Adam Smallbone and he is ably supported by Steve ‘Eric from Looking for Eric’ Evetts and Olivia ‘Sophie from Peep Show’ Colman. Shooting Stars has been hilarious and had me in fits of laughter each week. It’s reminded just how much I love Vic and Bob too. Angelos is fucking hilarious as well and a lot better doing the scores than on a team. Watch this:
Justified on Five USA has been very good, the last couple of episodes were fantastic. Tim Olyphant is great as is Walter Goggins, if you can I’d recommend you give it a watch. It is basically like they’ve taken Olyphant’s character from Deadwood and put him into the 21st century, but it works so well.
The IT Crowd has been brilliant again and I had to double check that it had ended. The final episode was outstanding with Matt Berry’s character taking centre stage. It was completely bonkers but I loved it. Watch it on 4OD if you have the inclination.
Oh and I watched the first episode of the new Channel 4 comedy with Rafe Spall called Pete Versus Life, I really suggest you catch up. Rafe Spall is such a good actor, he’s been great in everything I’ve seen him in and this show was really funny.
That’s about it, or at least all I can conjure up from my head.
Carry on.
12
New Job and Other Things
Here are a few paragraphs of rambling about my new job and other things I’m up to. I’m into my fifth week as a Support Broker and it has been a massive learning curve with things all set to kick off over the next two months. We are going to pilot, where 100 people will get Support Plans by the end of September – that’ll be 25 each, roughly. On top of this we’re helping to develop a new service at day centre which is quite an exciting prospect. Having the opportunity to work in a role that isn’t yet fully defined, despite getting our job descriptions on the day we started, is exciting as well because we can shape the Personalisation process quite a bit. Even if it all does end in March I still think it will have been a rewarding experience.
It’s very exciting to be involved in a project that is trying to make significant changes to the way social care works yet very daunting at the same time. I’m quite looking forward to things really kicking off, although I might be a complete wreck come mid-September. Hopefully that won’t be the case though.
A nice big holiday will be required once the pilot is over and I’m really looking forward to August bank holiday and might make it a 5 day holiday instead of two. Although I worked out my annual leave and don’t appear to have as much as I first thought..
Anyway, enough of that jawn. I’m trying to keep my mind off the stress of starting a new job with a massive learning curve by doing creative things. I’m writing a screenplay for a short film about aliens and fancy dress that I want to shoot and obviously to film it I need a nice new camera. So I’m thinking of splashing out on something fairly professional using my new pay grade and cashing in my £500 premium bonds. Saving for that mortgage can wait for a month.
I’ve reached all my aims for the year and I put it all down to growing that beard at Christmas, I reckon it is lucky. Passed my license, got a car, got a new job then another new job that is even better, another nice surprise that’s been keeping me busy at weekends for the past couple of months and finally I just need to make a bloody film.
10
Myself & Ball: A Woeful Weekend With Ball
A Woeful Weekend With Ball
Ball, my friend and housemate is in mourning today after a miserable weekend that saw the team he follows crash out of the FA Cup. Ball takes these things very seriously, sometimes too seriously, although football is great you need to step-back and think ‘it is just a game’. Ball cannot do this. To Ball football is life, apart from the other things he enjoys.
My weekend with Ball started well, we had a breakfast of scrambled eggs on toast. Ball makes a mean helping of scrambled egg, it’s been known to stop the most experienced ‘eaters’ in their tracks. He took it easy today though, probably due to the fact that we had few eggs, only just enough for the two of us. Ball cooks his scrambled egg in the microwave, the cheap and easy method, nonetheless it was delicious. Ball had a sprinkling of pepper on his egg and splodge of ketchup on the side of his plate. Ball favours Daddies tomato ketchup, but he’ll usually take whatever is on offer. After our treat we watched some television. Ball’s television is small but effective, he is the master of finding a reception with our elongated aerial. Holly Willoughby, the ITV children’s presenter raised more than just Ball’s eyebrows, yet I felt the rubbing of his crotch area was somewhat inappropriate for a Saturday morning, I turned a blind eye.
Around 12.30pm we ventured down the road to a pub, the Penny Whistle. According to Ball this pub is named the Penny Whistle due to a posse of right-wing Northampton residents marching through the streets blowing their penny whistles as a sign of disgust in protest at the arrival of a large black community within the town. Knowing Ball as I do, I know this is more than likely codswallop, he’s an adept bull-shitter yet his stories are rarely believable. Ball, uncharacteristically, bought the first round of drinks. Cheap pints for the pair of us. We sat and took in the FA Cup game between Cheltenham Town and Newcastle United. We both supported Cheltenham in this game and were disheartened to see Newcastle win the match 2-0, thanks to “Scott Parker’s bollocks ruining it for everyone”, as Ball eloquently put it after Newcastle went 2-0 in front thanks to a ricochet of their midfielder Parker.
We spent the afternoon drinking more pints whilst watching the incoming FA Cup results on Sky Sports. Ball was particularly interested in the Everton v Chelsea game, hating Chelsea as he does. He was unfortunately disappointed when “Fat Lampard” scored an equaliser to earn Chelsea a draw. At full-time, it wasn’t long before the big-game, Ball’s Arsenal away to Bolton Wanderers. Ball was unusually cautious of his prediction that Arsenal would win. The Gunners, as Arsenal are called, have not fared well at the Reebok Stadium, home of Bolton, in recent times. Nonetheless Ball was confident “Thierry and the boys will do it”. Thierry [Henry] was not starting. Arsenal lost the game. Ball was not pleased at all. However, after the general post-defeat malaise Ball experiences he declared he was ready to venture out to “get shit-faced”. Ball likes to do this, however it usually ends badly. Saturday was to be one of those nights.
We went home and had our tea. On the menu was a Ball Special. Ball specials usually occur when we have very little food, Saturday was one of those days. With pasta, three sausages, a jar of tomato sauce and oregano, Ball somehow managed to rustle up a tasty treat for us. We then sat in relative silence sinking a few canned lagers. Ball’s preferred beer from a can is Carling. Carling is a British lager and used to be called Carling Black Label, the name changed did not see a change in taste, either way, Ball likes it.
Our evening adventure would lead us to the student union, it was school uniform night. “School uniform is for dick heads” Ball said as we arrived and saw the sign on the door. We headed straight to the bar and pursued our mission of drinking the bar dry, obviously with the help of a few hundred fellow students, some clad in school uniform. Whilst I chatted with a host of young ladies Ball was on a seemingly mad rampage, he is known as ‘Destruction Ball’ for his explosive antics in the past. He spent time with some of our mutual friends, they seemed amused by his japes, but I knew it would end in disaster. I left the student union without Ball. He’d long since vanished, to where, who knows. I returned home, still no sign of Ball, after calling his name a few times I decided in my drunken state it would be best to go to bed and worry about Ball in the morning.
The next morning there was no sign of Ball, I needed to urinate most urgently; there was someone in the bathroom, showering, so I had to venture to our outside latrine. In slippers, shorts and the very same shirt I wore last night I crept downstairs. The living room had a stench I was used to, like a wet dog that has been playing in mud. It was also a big mess, beer cans and kebab everywhere. Just looking at the kebab I knew I hadn’t eaten it, I had recollection of an undercooked cheese burger. Then to my concern I noticed the back door was ajar. Was this something to do with Ball? Probably, I thought. As I pulled the door open, to my horror, I spotted the result of Ball’s antics from the night before. The doorstep, rubbish bags outside and even our mop and bucket were covered in what looked like a stale chocolate milkshake, I knew otherwise. Ball was at it again, pooing without care for others, I manoeuvred outside, avoiding the splattered faeces, had my wee and returned to bed. Ball was not to be seen for the rest of that day.
