29
Time Wasters: Card Toss, Virus, Jelly Battle
Here are three games to get your teeth into, if you have nothing better to do at work, on that long journey or sitting at home twiddling your thumbs.
Toss cards into a hat, sounds dull and simple. A small amount of skill is needed because of a crosswind and the hat leaping back and forth and side-to-side. Each level gets harder, you have to get a number of cards ‘stacked’ in a set amount of time. I got 40,312 on my first go, my best was 89,750, so far…
This is like Columns or Tetris except rather than destroying blocks you have to spread your colour – or colours – until all the blocks on the board are the same colour. It is actually quite fun.
Jellies do battle on some weird board. The jelly jumps around trying to destroy each other using lasers, air strikes, handbags. Avoid the red squares. Play it and it might make sense.
I may some more next week, I may not. It all depends on how addictive these ones are.
27
Myself & Ball: Prick Tease Ball
I wrote these many years ago but I felt they deserved to be put back on the internet – not that they are necessarily a masterpiece – but could be funny for a few people. Three short short stories called ‘Myself and Ball’. It is all very very silly. In the first Ball goes to a gay club, things happen.
Prick Tease Ball
I write this in the knowledge that we had the most fabulous Tuesday on record. Ball now calls it ‘Gay Tuesday’. Yet, it started like any other, we had a slight hangover from a Monday night partying at Time & Envy. I doubt we’ll ever call it Lava & Ignite because that’s scene and it’s a crap name. That night had been eventful, against his better judgement, Ball went out before me so by the time I met up with him he was very drunk. As I wandered up to the bar in T & E I was suddenly grabbed around the neck and bombarded with a tirade of Arsenal chants and saliva as Ball welcomed me to the club. Unfortunately it went downhill for Ball from there. About half way through I Predict A Riot by the Kaiser Chiefs Ball started arguing with a close acquaintance of ours, I left him to it. For a reason even I cannot explain Ball tried to get his point across by turning his bottle of Rolling Rock upside down and swinging his arms around like an crazed chimpanzee. The bottle of Rolling Rock was largely full resulting in a number of friends and strangers were soaked in the weak beer, including myself. I was not best pleased, I told a friend this. This friend then preceded to tell Ball that I was not impressed with his antics, that nobody was. Ball responded by jokingly picking up an ashtray and faking a throw, I knew this would lead to trouble. Just over a minute later a couple of bouncers charged towards the bar like a WWE tag team on their way to the ring with their eyes firmly locked on Ball. Ball was escorted to a little room to be beaten, bummed or both. I thought that would be the end of his night but to the surprise of everyone it wasn’t and he returned with a large grin on his face. However, it wouldn’t be long before his night ended, I saw a friend joking with him, he told him to “Calm down, Ball” and tickled his chin. One thing I know is that Ball doesn’t like his chin being tickled, his fresh bottle of Rolling Rock was slammed down on a table and Ball was gone. After that the evening went swimmingly.
The next time I saw Ball was around midday on the Tuesday, he was more jovial than I expected. After we discussed the events of the night, I learned he also dropped a whole burger and chips on his way home. After our confab we decided we’d go to town. We didn’t quite make it all the way, the siren-link call of the pub was too great. At 3:30pm; we thought maybe a couple of pints then go home for some tea. 5:30 came and we thought lets stay out for a little longer, we have nothing that fun to do. An quick stop at the ATM was required and we ordered tea at the pub. After contemplating our return home on a number of occasions we decided against it and were soon to be joined by more acquaintances for further drinking. Time flew by and we soon realised it was half ten. We carried on drinking.
By 12:30 it was kicking out time, Ball was not best pleased, he wanted to continue our drinking marathon, so did I in fact. ”Get this scene dick away from me!” Ball shouted at the barman who was only trying to do his job, get the pub empty, close up and go home. Probably for a mug of cocoa and a blow job. Ball relented without much fuss and swaggered out the door, thinking he was Liam Gallagher, he was in fact more like golf legend and father of Kirsty, Bernard. n “What are we doing now?” Ball slurred at me. I was clueless, then one of our drinking buddies suggested we go to the gay bar, The Jolly Anchor. Immediately I looked at Ball expecting a harsh reaction this suggestion, I was shocked when from his mouth came the words “Yeaaaah, lets go drink with some poofs.” So off we went.
It was Ball’s round when we got to the pub, he wasted no time in going to the bar when he saw they served Carling Extra Cold. What I then witnessed shocked, scared and stunned me. As Ball innocently ordered the drinks a gentlemen who was a dead ringer for Elvis Costello sidled up to Ball. I watched them happily converse for a moment when all of a sudden to my disbelief and especially Ball’s ‘Elvis’ leaned in for a kiss. Ball withdrew immediately. “What the fuck you doing?” he exclaimed, I didn’t hear the other guy’s reply. I quickly walked over and grabbed Ball and the Carling Extra Colds and we found a quiet spot to avoid any possible trouble.
The night went on well after that, we joked, drank and watched people doing karaoke. It even reached a point where we wanted to sing Wild Boys by Duran Duran, sadly we weren’t allowed, maybe another time. After a few pints I needed to use the toilet, so I left Ball, this was quite a mistake. Whilst I was urinating the gay Elvis Costello decided to try his luck with Ball again. As I left the toilet I saw them together, it looked like a typical Ball confrontation. Ball pushed away Elvis’ arm as it reached to stroke Ball’s chest. ”Get this poof away from me!” he shouted, this drew the attention of some of the other people in the pub. ”Don’t be homophobic” replied Elvis very irately, Ball just laughed and told him to go away pushing him gently in the shoulder. The reaction that followed was astonishing as the gay Costello pulled of his white t-shirt, threw it to the ground and squared up to Ball. Ball looked round to me but there was nothing I could say or do. Ball was pushed and stumble spilling some of his pint. ”Hey, break it up!” shouted the lady behind the bar. Both Ball and Elvis ignored this, leaning on a table Ball grabbed an ashtray and threatened the man with it, I raced over to stop him. After two fake throws I thought Ball must be joking, and he was. However, as I grabbed Ball to drag him out. I managed to get him a few feet away as Elvis shouted “Yeah, get that prick tease out of here!” This angered Ball further still, he wrestled free of my grip and took off his coat and own shirt. As I watched from the floor, the bare chested Ball hurled the glass ashtray at the gay Elvis, he ducked and it flew into the wall smashing everywhere. By this point the whole pub was aware of the fight. Sensing the danger of Ball potentially getting beaten up by a club full of gay people, I grabbed an ashtray and clocked Ball round the back of the head. He looked dazed, I stood behind him and he fell into my arms and I pulled him away and out of the pub to safety like Arnie protecting Sarah Connor. Luckily nobody followed.
A week later now and I can thankfully say we are not returning to the gay bar tonight, however Ball persists in telling everybody we see that he is now “Northampton’s number one gay icon”. He plans to return soon and I’ll probably have to go as well.
Come back next Tuesday for another one unless you thought that was shite.
26
The films of Park Chan-wook
In preparation for my new job which begins tomorrow (July 12) I had a few days off and have taken the time to watch a few films. Most notably I’ve watched three films by Korean director Park Chan-wook. He’s probably best known for Oldboy (2003) and has most recently released Thirst (2009); the vampire film that is second-only to Let the Right One In (2009) as vampire films go – showing that vampire movies can be for grown ups and not just teenage fangirls and their Mums.
My mini-marathon included began with Sympathy for Mr Vengeance (2002) that I’ve had on DVD for sometime and never got around to watching it.
This was quite an enjoyable film but fell some way short of my expectations, particularly with knowledge of Oldboy and Thirst. It was beautifully shot and directed but the story didn’t grab me and strangely I felt a little lost at where things were at times. I think it’s one I shall have to revisit again though. Having said that you can see the
themes present in this film that run through all of Park’s films, it sets ups an interesting parallel regarding child abduction that you get in Sympathy for Lady Vengeance, yet as events play out leading to the revenge seeking and confrontations between the main characters, in an odd way conspire to be even more tragic.
Apparently there’s going to be a remake which will be interesting to learn more about, particularly as the last I heard the Steven Spielberg and Will Smith remake of Oldboy (minus raw squid and incest) was abandoned, thankfully.
Next up was a film that had intrigued me since I read the opening line of the synopsis on Lovefilm - “Young-goon is admitted to a mental institution. Believing herself a cyborg, she charges herself with a transistor radio.” If that’s enough to get you interested in I’m A Cyborg, But That’s Ok. then I suggest you skip the next paragraph because it might spoil things to learn more about the film.
With the previous films by Park’s of a similar tone and stylye, beautifully shot film with meaningful themes that was slightly twisted and dark, I was expecting something slightly similar. It did have much of that yet it was a far lighter film, despite being a romantic comedy set in a sanitorium – a romental comedy perhaps. The closest thing to compare it to would be something like The Science of Sleep in that it had a dreamlike quality with elements of fantasy plucked straight from the characters’ disordered minds. If it had been made by Michel Gondry or Charlie Kaufmann people would be fawning over it as a surrealist indie treat. Despite the quality it was one of Park’s least successful films in Korea even though it co-starred Korean pop senation Rain, who has most recently been seen in Ninja Assassin. He is actually pretty good in it as a Thief who keeps stealing stuff from other residents at the place including a ping-pong serve and a yodel. Lim Su-Jeong is fantastic as Yoong-goon creating a really interesting character that completely you draws the viewer in. I recommend this one for those who like quirky fair that doesn’t over quirk like something crap like 500 Days of Summer.
The last film of this mini marathon is of course Sympathy for Lady Vengeance I watched it almost a week ago and have since had my brain filled with work stuff at my new job so my memory might be wet. Another excellent leading lady in Lee Young Ae, as Geum-Ja, drives this film forward into a superb story of revenge and the
morality of acting on this revenge. It is another lady who has been banged up, this time for a crime she didn’t commit – the murder of a boy – and when she is released she seeks out vengeance, obviously. The idea of the woman on a revenge mission is similar to Kill Bill but the finished article here is far more graceful, less baggy and ultimately far more intelligent.
There is a great mixing of flashbacks of Geum-Ja’s to her time in prison, making friends – who all aid her in finding the real killer Mr Baek (Choi Min-Sik aka Oh Dae-Su from Oldboy), whether it is making her super-cool gun, or just giving her a place to hide out. Her long lost daughter who was shipped off to Australia turns up and she’s really quite annoying. I could really have done this film more justice but seeing as I started writing this post about 10 days ago, and saw the film the same amount of time ago I can’t remember all that much. All I can really say is if you haven’t seen these three films then check them out, you won’t be let down – and if you haven’t seen Oldboy or Thirst then get them watched.
What an anti-climax to that post.
Anyway here is a trailer to help whet your appetite.
25
Animals!
I went on a safari with Ali on Saturday at the West Midlands Safari Park, we saw a lot of animals – mostly wasps and crows. I actually was more intrigued by some of the crows than all the other great animals on show on the reserve or in the discovery trail. Below is a slideshow of SOME of the photos I took, I couldn’t be bothered to upload them all. You can see some more by visiting the Picasa album.
There are white lions, elephants, giraffes, leopards, cheetah, a lazy wolf, some chav-like wild dogs that have a lovely pattern and much much more. I’d recommend it for a day out, as well as the animal reserve that is a 4 mile drive which takes about 1 hour there is a discovery trail with reptiles, a bat room – with bats flying around your head – creepy crawlies, reptiles and some leopards and the hippo lake. If you fancy gambling or going some rides there are plenty of amusements too, I sound like I’m working for the marketing dept.
Anyway, enjoy pictures.
20
Hazard MMX in Manchester
I went to Hazard in Manchester with Ali on Saturday, I didn’t really the get the artsy stuff. There was a lot of performing arts things going on such as a woman lying under a boulder of what appeared to be grey Primary School jumpers, people dumping other people for fun in cars, a woman dressed as a post box – at least it looked like a woman she might have been a fella, you never know when you can only see someone’s feet. Maybe there should be a ban on the wearing of the red cloth letterbox in public because you can’t trust people when all you can see is there feet “BAN THE BOX!” Nigel Farrage can shout on Question Time or to anyone bored enough to listen. Hmm what else did I see… you know I can’t remember. I think there was a tent with people going on dates and apparently there was a marching group of Dorothy’s but I didn’t see it with my own eyes. A wheelchair recreation of the moon landing also took place, which poor bugger got to be Michael Collins and just sit (I almost wrote stand, oops) next to McDonalds wanting to join in the fun?
In all honesty I don’t get this performing art malarkey, seems to just be a pointless exercise in poncing about whilst being funded by the council. I swear I came up with better ideas just wandering around. The lady with the boulder should just get into an Indiana Jones costume and get a Gladiator to chase her around in an atlasphere mocked up to look like a real boulder. Anyway if you want to find out more about what happened with some videos go to the website.
Below are some pictures of people with umbrellas wandering around listening to an MP3, at times it looked quite nice but I still didn’t get it. To the uninformed philistine like me this is all just a bunch of people standing/lying/marching around at the taxpayers expense. God, I sound like a grumpy old Tory.
6
World Cup 2010 Review: Quarter Finals (Part 1)
What a helluva Quarter Finals these were. After the England disappointment last week the country enjoyed 5 days of Murraymania which duly ended just in time for the World Cup that just keeps on giving to provide more shocks, excitement and a semi-final line up that looked pretty unlikely even 3 days ago. Here’s some writing about the first two that took place on Friday.
Brazil 1 Netherlands 2
First up the mighty Brazil who had looked great and were quite frankly the team I fancied to go all the way; solid in defence and clinical going forward. Netherlands who had yet to shine. Man City reject Robinho gave Brazil an early lead after just ten minutes when latched on to the end of a through ball from just inside the Dutch half. He legged it through the middle of the messy defence and scooped the ball passed Stekelenburg. Brazil were on their way to another semi-final.
However the second-half completely turned everything on it’s head. Felipe Melo’s day was just about to become very shit indeed. Quicker than the first-half opener, Netherlands got back into it with an o.g. from Felipe Melo. Wesley Sneijder whipped in a left footed cross from the right-wing, it was going nowhere in particular, but in a dangerous enough position to threaten and cause chaos. The leaping Julio Cesar who went up two-fisted, unfortunately for Brazil it was the midfielder who outjumped his goalie and the ball skimmed his head and ended up in the back of the net. Cue Orange madness in the stands and Sneijder give the camera a face full and happiness.
It took just 15 minutes of Dutch pressure to turn things round. After 68 minutes Arjen Robben whipped in a dangerous corner to the front post where the irritatingly consistent Dirk Kuyt got in front of Luis Fabiano and glanced the ball back where Sneijder connected, nodding the ball into the Brazilian net. Great goal and great comeback from Netherlands.
As mentioned Felipe Melo had a bad day, 5 minutes after the second Dutch goal he got himself sent-0ff. After trying to tackle Robben, rather poorly, he then raked his studs down Robben’s arse and thigh whilst the Dutch winger was on the ground. The Eagle-eyed Japanese ref spotted this and came racing over brandishing a red card, the Brazil #5 didn’t have much to complain about, he’d been caught in the act, the act of being a right twat.
Brazil tried to push on with only 10-men but it was to no avail and the Netherlands held out for a glorious victory. It was a great Quarter Final to kick of the round and set the trend for three more great games that followed.
Uruguay 1 Ghana 1 (Uruguay won 4-2 on penalties)
Clive Tyldesley painted Uruguay as pantomime villains at the start of his commentary on this game and for once he wasn’t talking about bollocks. They played like it throughout, stifling Ghanaian attacks and hitting them sneakily on the counter and the finale was pure pantomime.
It was a yet again another cracking game, it had the potential to be one of the least exciting games, much like Paraguay v Japan in the second round with two teams possibly feeling as if the last thing they wanted to do was lose the game and it turning into a cagey affair. As it was both teams went for it and the game was end to end stuff with a fabulous finish.
The first goal of the game came in first-half injury time when Sulley Muntari picked up the ball in the Uruguay half and just seemed to think “fuck it, it’s almost half time, I’ll have a go”. He unleashed a belter of a striker that curved away from Muslera in the Uruguay goal, from 35 yards and put the Africans (and as we were endlessly told throughout and before the game, Africa) in front.
It didn’t take long for Uruguay to get draw level with Diego Forlan unleashing an magical free-kick on 55 minutes. From out the left-wing he hit a right-footed curling effort that evaded the outstretched hand of Kingson in the Ghana goal. Forlan has had a great tournament, shining like David Villa, numerous Germans when all the pre-tournament hype has been focusing on the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo, Kaka, Wayne Rooney and Lionel Messi. His effort was up there with the two great free-kicks scored by Japan in the group stages. When players score goals like Forlan’s and Muntari’s you really think that all these so-called World Class players complaining about the Jabulani ball should really stop complaining.
Both teams had further chances in the closing stages of the 90 minutes and again in extra-time but things really came alive with a bang in the 20 seconds of the 120 minutes. With hardly any time left on the clock Ghana had one last chance to test the Uruguay defence and they did more than that. The free-kick was whipped in from the right wing, it was flicked on into the six-yard box. Muslera couldn’t get it clear and the ball fell to one of the Ghana subs, Stephen Appiah. He smashed the ball towards the goal but it Luis Suarez’s shins arrived just in time for the ball to spoon out. In the ensuing mayhem in the six-yard box with bodies flying all over the place AC Milan youngster Dominic Adiyah jumped to head towards the goal again. Surely this time! But no, it came back out again and Muslera managed to grab hold of the ball. YET this time it was Suarez again but he’d used his hands, a great save to be fair but obviously massive cheating. PENALTY TO GHANA! RED CARD TO LUIS SUAREZ! It really was a remarkable few seconds.
In these instances you are left to wonder exactly why, when it is clear Suarez has stopped a clear goal, they don’t just give the attacking team the goal and the player a yellow-card. It makes perfect sense, it isn’t a case of Suarez stopping a goalscoring opportunity, he has stopped a goal itself. As it was he left the pitch and Asamoah Gyan stepped up to take the penalty to send Ghana into the semi-finals and Africa into a state of delirium that could potentially cause the Earth to start spinning in the opposite direction. Gyan had scored two penalties already in this tournament, along with Kevin Prince-Boateng he’d been one of the stars of the Ghana team and in this game and those previous.
Gyan stepped up to take the first penalty of the shootout and scored it. Sadly for Ghana two of their lads missed, leaving Sebastien Abreu to step up and DINK in the winning spot kick with style.
The second two Quarter Finals I regrettably didn’t get to see in their entirety, I was doing other things like sitting in a Planetarium being bored this Piers Gibbon. I did enjoy watching the highlights.
Uruguay and Netherlands play each other tonight. I think Netherlands will win, but who really knows anymore.